Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Teach your children to beatbox
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?