Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.