Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.