GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Got ya covered
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
The booster protects against what, now?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.