@FinallyHeSleeps

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

@FinallyHeSleeps

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.