Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Taliband
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?