ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this