My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.