“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.