@FlyJ_

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

@FlyJ_

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

@FlyJ_

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

@FlyJ_

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

@FlyJ_

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

@FlyJ_

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

@FlyJ_

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

@FlyJ_

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

@FlyJ_

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

@FlyJ_

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.