please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.