Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
yea so i messed up lol
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U