BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
They got a point!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.