You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
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Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?