Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
This hospital has everything
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.