[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
#JohnTravolta
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing