How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.