Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
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“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….