Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”