“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.