@FrazzleMyGimp

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

@FrazzleMyGimp

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

@FrazzleMyGimp

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

@FrazzleMyGimp

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: can I get a name for the order?

ME: Shaun.

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: John?

ME: Sure.

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: What?

ME: Jure.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.