The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”