Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FredTaming's best tweets

@FredTaming : my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza lab staff: what is ..peet-za? my head: throw me out the window right now i'm not even exaggerating

@FredTaming: me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

@FredTaming: me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

@FredTaming: doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go... now, about your diseases...

@FredTaming: me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

@FredTaming: doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

@FredTaming: Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

@FredTaming: Me {sweating profusely}: help! i'm stranded in the dessert!
Him: don't you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

@FredTaming: [First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

@FredTaming: Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?