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Page of FredTaming's best tweets

@FredTaming : me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

@FredTaming: shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

@FredTaming: [ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

@FredTaming: me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

@FredTaming: doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

@FredTaming: doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

@FredTaming: Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-





Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses



Me: -dramatic pauses?

@FredTaming: chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

@FredTaming: doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

@FredTaming: boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*