Funny Tweeter

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Page of FredTaming's best tweets

@FredTaming : [ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we're going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

@FredTaming: me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

@FredTaming: doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn't good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

@FredTaming: me: you're killing it

my murderer: that's so nice of you to say

@FredTaming: i'm angry no one's ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn't order

@FredTaming: me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she's the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

@FredTaming: “these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

@FredTaming: waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

@FredTaming: [dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn't get into heaven

@FredTaming: dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i'll see you when you get back