@FredTaming

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

@FredTaming

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

@FredTaming

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

@FredTaming

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

@FredTaming

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

@FredTaming

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

@FredTaming

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

@FredTaming

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

@FredTaming

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe