Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FredTaming's best tweets

@FredTaming : [ first date ] her: i want a partner that can open my heart me: well i am a surge- her: and never do anything to shock me me: protector

@FredTaming: “Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

@FredTaming: agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it's off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they'll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

@FredTaming: maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

@FredTaming: her: i'm leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people's conversations
him: who ar- wait what

@FredTaming: me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

@FredTaming: me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

@FredTaming: doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed

@FredTaming: my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her