@FredTaming

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

@FredTaming

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

@FredTaming

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

@FredTaming

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

@FredTaming

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

@FredTaming

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

@FredTaming

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes