prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?



me: i hoped he was cake


[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you


[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes


him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying


temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see


[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking


him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs


professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who


smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe