Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FredTaming's best tweets

@FredTaming : doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

@FredTaming: me: i'll have the mouse, please

waiter: that's mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that'll be way too much food

@FredTaming: doctor: get ready to say 'aah'

me: why are we on the roof

@FredTaming: me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

@FredTaming: little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies' mouths

@FredTaming: me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

@FredTaming: my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

@FredTaming: date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

@FredTaming: exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

@FredTaming: god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza :)

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza :D

god: but

earth: i'll be treated so good forever and ever :')

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing