teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long