Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
bout dat hot dog summer
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what