him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]