interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven