I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.