Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
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This was my dad’s browser history.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”