When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Lmbo
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos