Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe