Me: I love you.
Her: I love DuckTales.
No, I’m not flirting with you, I want your cheddar bay biscuits.
Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.
Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.
If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.
If you wear it all the time, you’ll never know if she’s in love with you, or your denim vest, and the chances are it’s the vest.
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.
*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.
Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
Tonight I sleep on a bed of fried chicken and biscuits. The colonel drizzles me with gravy. Is this heaven or hell?