I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”