You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this