Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.