MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building