Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Just got to our Airbnb!
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.