I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
A fake ID that makes you younger
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Horrifying if literal: arm candy