Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
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Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me: I鈥檓 cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what鈥檚 coming .
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can鈥檛 find it
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don鈥檛 understand your question. Those words don鈥檛 belong together.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Best seat on the street 馃槏
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I鈥檓 going to do it in my head. I鈥檒l let you know when I鈥檓 done
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don鈥檛 move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I鈥檓 late
Spider鈥檚 wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider鈥檚 wife: you won鈥檛 be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor