If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Is fructose made with real fruct?