and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby