STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end