Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of G_Faylor's best tweets

@G_Faylor : [trying to check out girl at grocery store] cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt

@G_Faylor: [getting moidered]
is this because i'm from new joisey?

@G_Faylor: i'm old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt

@G_Faylor: an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don't act like some big science guy

@G_Faylor: [blind date]

HER: I'm a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

@G_Faylor: I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.

@G_Faylor: [pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he's still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever

@G_Faylor: [whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?

@G_Faylor: [Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*