[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt
is this because i’m from new joisey?
i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt
an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don’t act like some big science guy
HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.
[pulls meatloaf out of oven]
he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever
[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?
[Scientist discovering catfish]
Scientist: What kind of fish are you?
Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*