@G_Faylor

[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt

@G_Faylor

[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?

@G_Faylor

i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt

@G_Faylor

an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don’t act like some big science guy

@G_Faylor

[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

@G_Faylor

I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.

@G_Faylor

[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever

@G_Faylor

[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?

@G_Faylor

[Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*