Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.