The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
tinder is all about the long game
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.