*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
asking santa clause for nudes
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.