As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.