Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin