A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
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7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face