@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@GayAtHomeDad

When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.

@GayAtHomeDad

If your partner/spouse tells you they’re not reading everything you tweet:

A) they’re lying
B) hi honey!

@GayAtHomeDad

If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.