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I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Meow?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭