The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …