The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
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Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.