Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever